Day 66 Post 1 – A Letter to God

Dear God,

I know you can hear my every thought but I need your special blessings so that I can live to my fullest potential as you created me to. Please help me with the following:

Please help me give the boys more of the attention they deserve so they remember how much I love them.

Please help me keep my patience with the baby when she wakes numerous times during the night. She was a gift from you to us and it’s not fair to become frustrated with her.

Please help me cope with the fact that I am not exclusively breast feeding. I feel like a failure.

Thank you for my incredible husband and children. We may be occasionally penniless but we are far from broke.

Thank you for giving me the strength to start and operate my business, and for the clients who keep a roof over our heads.

Thank you for making me.

Amen

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Day 65 Post 1 – Financial Goals

In a recent conversation with my aunt I learned she took a financial course at her church not too long ago. I called her back a few days later (after an extremely frustrating experience at a car dealership) to ask her how she would recommend I start my own financial correction process.

She had several suggestions but the one I’m going to implement immediately is splitting my expenses. For example, I’m going to assume that each month has four weeks and split each expense into four. Each week I will put a quarter of each bills estimate amount into my savings account so when the bill comes due I have the funds. Let’s just say that D and I don’t always plan ahead, but emergencies and unexpected expenses also arise.

The first step I need to take with this process is writing out all my expenses. I don’t mind sharing, and this IS my accountability blog, so I’m going to do it here.

Rent: $725
Water: $40
Gas (house): $120
Electric: $120
Car insurance: $130
Student loan #1: $100
Student loan #2: $100
Cable/phone/internet: $130
D’s car: $330
D’s child support: $220

The total of all that equals $2015, and this doesn’t include food, clothes, entertainment, gas for the car or holidays. Phoooooo… $504/week. I need to make sure I’m getting as close to 40 hours as possible, if not more.

Day 63 Post 2 – give me a break part 2

So I wrote post 1 early this morning and went to sleep immediately thereafter. “D” came to bed around 3:30, woke me up and we are asleep again around 4. The baby woke up at 6 and I have been up with her since then.

It’s not 12:31pm.

“D” is still asleep.

Sigh.

I’ve expressed to him a couple times in the past week that it’s frustrating when I get up early with her, get little to no work done and am exhausted myself when she goes to sleep for the night.

Apparently he didn’t hear me.

He works from 9-3 or 4 every night on his homework. His interruptions are pretty limited. He is productive.

I’m exhausted and frustrated beyond belief.

Day 32 Post 1

I apologize for my gripe sessions yesterday morning. I was obviously overtired and worn down. I ended up laying down with “N” at about six and falling alder until 930 when “D” woke up.

I must say… Being a self employed couple that works at home definitely has it’s perks where sleep is concerned.

Anyway… Hubby immediately saw that I was exhausted and told me to stay in bed. And I did… By accident… And slept til noon.

The sleep did a ton of good though because I had major ideas yesterday. I received an email from a wan in my industry telling me about an upcoming event. Essentially she sold the right to 100 people to pick her brain for $600. All 100 slots sold so she made $60,000 for six weeks of work.

I’ve decided to build our services to do what she’s doing.

I can do it. I will do it.

Day 31 Post 1

Ok. I’m more frustrated than I admitted yesterday. Actually, I’m so annoyed I want to pick something and yell at the top of my lungs so this repeating pattern will change.

It’s 425am and baby “N” is wide awake. I finally got her to sleep after a long day yesterday around 10 and I fell asleep with her. Sigh. That is not what was supposed to happen. I wanted to tackle the pile of work I have waiting for me. But no. I fell asleep. On the recliner. With the baby.

And now it’s 430am and she is wide awake. Knowing how husband is, he won’t wake up until between 10 and 11am which will give me another day where I have 5+ UNPRODUCTIVE hours even before he wakes up. By then I’m already getting frustrated or tired and it only gets worse while I watch him do his morning Facebook scan while drinking his coffee.

Did I mention yet that he’s studying to be a video game designer? So after he gets done with Facebook and his first cup of coffee he plays games for a bit… Or a bit longer than a bit.

Sure, he might have given me a 1/2 hour break in here, but usually she’ll start getting fussy at which point I need to give the boon. Stopping my productivity in its tracks.

So I’ll take care of a hungry fussy baby for a couple hours while he plays games and then I might get another short break. Rinse and repeat until around. 7pm when she hits her extreme night fussy time. Husband needs to start homework and I’m exhausted having been up since 4 or 5.

I spend hours (again) taking care of ms fussy until she goes down for her extended nightly nap. But by that time I’m ready to pass our myself, or I do unintentionally. And my days productivity has seen its peak of maybe 2 hours if you combine all the little 10 minute spurts during the day.

I really want/need to tell husband how frustrated I am but I don’t want to hurt his feelings or offend him. But I just can’t continue in this cycle. It’s making me an angry person and me and angry don’t mesh well.