Day 66 Post 1 – A Letter to God

Dear God,

I know you can hear my every thought but I need your special blessings so that I can live to my fullest potential as you created me to. Please help me with the following:

Please help me give the boys more of the attention they deserve so they remember how much I love them.

Please help me keep my patience with the baby when she wakes numerous times during the night. She was a gift from you to us and it’s not fair to become frustrated with her.

Please help me cope with the fact that I am not exclusively breast feeding. I feel like a failure.

Thank you for my incredible husband and children. We may be occasionally penniless but we are far from broke.

Thank you for giving me the strength to start and operate my business, and for the clients who keep a roof over our heads.

Thank you for making me.

Amen

Day 63 Post 3 – Give Me a Break Part 3

Why is that…

When I’m committed and focused on working as much as possible I have the lease support and ability to do so?

Even though I’ve been up 11.5 hours today I’ve only been able to clock three hours, however he’s been up four hours and has been able to clock three hours already on schoolwork. (Yep, he gets up and I still have the baby the majority of the time)

When he sleeps late I’m nice and keep the door shut as to not disturb him , however he told me to take a nap and left the door wide open.

You have to remember…

In post 1 today I warned I might be hormonal

I vent on here because it allows me to blow off hot air to people I don’t know rather than be a bitchy wife. Must admit, however that today is the closest I’ve come to yelling at him. I can still feel my body pulsing with anger.

When I really think about though maybe the problem isn’t here. Today my family 600 miles away said goodbye to my brother. And I’m here. And I don’t get to say goodbye.

Day 63 Post 2 – give me a break part 2

So I wrote post 1 early this morning and went to sleep immediately thereafter. “D” came to bed around 3:30, woke me up and we are asleep again around 4. The baby woke up at 6 and I have been up with her since then.

It’s not 12:31pm.

“D” is still asleep.

Sigh.

I’ve expressed to him a couple times in the past week that it’s frustrating when I get up early with her, get little to no work done and am exhausted myself when she goes to sleep for the night.

Apparently he didn’t hear me.

He works from 9-3 or 4 every night on his homework. His interruptions are pretty limited. He is productive.

I’m exhausted and frustrated beyond belief.

Day 31 Post 1

Ok. I’m more frustrated than I admitted yesterday. Actually, I’m so annoyed I want to pick something and yell at the top of my lungs so this repeating pattern will change.

It’s 425am and baby “N” is wide awake. I finally got her to sleep after a long day yesterday around 10 and I fell asleep with her. Sigh. That is not what was supposed to happen. I wanted to tackle the pile of work I have waiting for me. But no. I fell asleep. On the recliner. With the baby.

And now it’s 430am and she is wide awake. Knowing how husband is, he won’t wake up until between 10 and 11am which will give me another day where I have 5+ UNPRODUCTIVE hours even before he wakes up. By then I’m already getting frustrated or tired and it only gets worse while I watch him do his morning Facebook scan while drinking his coffee.

Did I mention yet that he’s studying to be a video game designer? So after he gets done with Facebook and his first cup of coffee he plays games for a bit… Or a bit longer than a bit.

Sure, he might have given me a 1/2 hour break in here, but usually she’ll start getting fussy at which point I need to give the boon. Stopping my productivity in its tracks.

So I’ll take care of a hungry fussy baby for a couple hours while he plays games and then I might get another short break. Rinse and repeat until around. 7pm when she hits her extreme night fussy time. Husband needs to start homework and I’m exhausted having been up since 4 or 5.

I spend hours (again) taking care of ms fussy until she goes down for her extended nightly nap. But by that time I’m ready to pass our myself, or I do unintentionally. And my days productivity has seen its peak of maybe 2 hours if you combine all the little 10 minute spurts during the day.

I really want/need to tell husband how frustrated I am but I don’t want to hurt his feelings or offend him. But I just can’t continue in this cycle. It’s making me an angry person and me and angry don’t mesh well.

Day 6 Post 1

Despite the fact that today is a national holiday I’m looking at it more as my “Get Back to Work” day. My intention to work billable hours last week was good but unrealized, even though I was able to severely cut my Facebook/game time.  I intend to keep the same goals this week, however “N” has grown increasingly more demanding and fussy over the past few days, requiring more time with me and leaving me with only one arm/hand to work if I get even that. 

Hours and hours were spent this morning and early this afternoon with a fussy baby, and although not billable, I realized I needed to spend time cleaning out my email inbox. Nearly a month of emails had gotten backed up in my inboxes (both on PC and laptop) and I NEEDED to clean it out and organize whatever’s left. When I started earlier this afternoon I had 1072 emails in my (laptop’s) inbox.

Sigh… Baby crying again. Will write more when I don’t have to do a one-handed peck.