I apologize for my gripe sessions yesterday morning. I was obviously overtired and worn down. I ended up laying down with “N” at about six and falling alder until 930 when “D” woke up.
I must say… Being a self employed couple that works at home definitely has it’s perks where sleep is concerned.
Anyway… Hubby immediately saw that I was exhausted and told me to stay in bed. And I did… By accident… And slept til noon.
The sleep did a ton of good though because I had major ideas yesterday. I received an email from a wan in my industry telling me about an upcoming event. Essentially she sold the right to 100 people to pick her brain for $600. All 100 slots sold so she made $60,000 for six weeks of work.
I’ve decided to build our services to do what she’s doing.
I feel like a little kid who is having a temper tantrum. I want to kick and punch and scream and then cry myself to sleep. (All violence geared at pillows, mattresses and other inanimate objects)
I was able to put the baby down again and get 30 minutes of sleep in bed but then she was up and crying again. Why, oh why, am I the only one who can hear her crying when she’s in the same room as us? I even put her down on the bed next to “D” while she was crying and he didn’t stir.
So I put my clothes back on picked up the baby and, yes, stomped across the room. “D” must have heard the stomps because he woke up and asked if I was alright.
What am I going to say/do? Vent my frustrations on him and start his day horribly?
No… I’ll just sit down here feeling like a dragon breathing fire.
Ok. I’m more frustrated than I admitted yesterday. Actually, I’m so annoyed I want to pick something and yell at the top of my lungs so this repeating pattern will change.
It’s 425am and baby “N” is wide awake. I finally got her to sleep after a long day yesterday around 10 and I fell asleep with her. Sigh. That is not what was supposed to happen. I wanted to tackle the pile of work I have waiting for me. But no. I fell asleep. On the recliner. With the baby.
And now it’s 430am and she is wide awake. Knowing how husband is, he won’t wake up until between 10 and 11am which will give me another day where I have 5+ UNPRODUCTIVE hours even before he wakes up. By then I’m already getting frustrated or tired and it only gets worse while I watch him do his morning Facebook scan while drinking his coffee.
Did I mention yet that he’s studying to be a video game designer? So after he gets done with Facebook and his first cup of coffee he plays games for a bit… Or a bit longer than a bit.
Sure, he might have given me a 1/2 hour break in here, but usually she’ll start getting fussy at which point I need to give the boon. Stopping my productivity in its tracks.
So I’ll take care of a hungry fussy baby for a couple hours while he plays games and then I might get another short break. Rinse and repeat until around. 7pm when she hits her extreme night fussy time. Husband needs to start homework and I’m exhausted having been up since 4 or 5.
I spend hours (again) taking care of ms fussy until she goes down for her extended nightly nap. But by that time I’m ready to pass our myself, or I do unintentionally. And my days productivity has seen its peak of maybe 2 hours if you combine all the little 10 minute spurts during the day.
I really want/need to tell husband how frustrated I am but I don’t want to hurt his feelings or offend him. But I just can’t continue in this cycle. It’s making me an angry person and me and angry don’t mesh well.
My lack of posting for the past three weeks has been the result of productivity in other areas. Good areas. We have had numerous projects come in for work and I think I’ve played Candy Crushers once briefly in the past week. I’m honestly… Proud of my productivity.
The last two days have been EXTREMELY frustrating, however. I love being productive and the baby is not allowing for me to be as productive as I would like to be. Yesterday was especially frustrating, and I don’t enjoy being a downer.
Here’s the synopsis of Day 29:
Woke up at 5:30
Worked for hours (with baby in arms) on project for client sourcing images (couldn’t find what he wanted
“D” woke up at 11:30
Spoke with my stepmom and found out that my grandma (MOM’S mom) was read her last rites on Monday and I wasn’t told
Spoke with mom and found out grandma could no longer swallow
Internet stopped working
Couldn’t find book I was supposed to read for Bible Study at mom’s group
Uggggggghhhh… “D” just asked if I wanted to give “N” booby again. I’ve had her since 1pm (after doing 2 hours of work this morning) and have been entirely unproductive this afternoon.evening.
Don’t get me wrong. I really want to exclusively breast feed (it’s not working out that way right now) and I love the time with my daughter, however if I don’t work, we don’t get paid. And if I don’t work we have clients calling and writing to find out why their work isn’t getting done.
I know right now I’m feeling extra frustrated because I didn’t sleep well last night. Grandma passed away at 3:30am and this entire day has been filled with phone calls and text messages regarding her calling hours and burial. And to top it off, the air conditioning in our apartment broke today and it’s HOT in here!
PLEASE NOTE: Yes, I am upset about the death of my grandmother. However with my Faith I am more happy that she is finally escaping 10+ years of suffering to go home to God and be with my grandfather once again. I will see her again some day, so now is just the time to celebrate her life here on Earth.
I just admitted a weakness of mine to a client. I can’t stand admitting weaknesses.
What did I admit?
I admitted that I can’t do everything.
I’ve gone without sleep way too many times because I’ve told clients I would do something I really didn’t have time to do. With “N” here, it’s not like I can go without sleep. I mean, I’ve basically already given up all sleep, and I have no idea what energy reserve my body is running off of right now. My daily schedule has been washed away, and I’m honestly having to choose between using a 5-minute break to wash up or to eat. As a breast feeding mom eating usually takes priority.
It’s a good thing none of our clients are local.
“N” and I were up by 7am this morning to make sure the door was unlocked for “J” and “R” when they got here from their dads. For the next five and a half hours I had a leech hanging from my boob. While these hours were previously my prime working hours, this morning I got absolutely nothing done. But on the plus side, I’ve stuck to my “No Candy Crushers” rule
The fold out chair-bed at the hospital killed D’s back, so we will be heading back to the chiropractor this afternoon. I’m hoping to get some work done after that appointment, but the boys will be home shortly after we get here. Bah…
We’ve got some money coming in next week (Hooray!) and I’m thinking of getting a baby swing at our local Once Upon a Child for “N”. She HATES the vibrating baby seat, and I don’t like paying full retail price for baby stuff, especially when she may not even like it. (First-time moms and germaphobes are probably disgusted by my aversion to new… Have a few more and become self-employed and you’ll learn what’s important to buy new)
Maybe next week is when I’ll actually get (back) to work.